a certain shade of green - incubus
A certain shade of green,
tell me, is that what you need?
All signs around say move ahead.
Could someone please explain to me your ever present lack of speed?
Are your muscles bound by ropes?
Or do crutches cloud your day?
My sources say the road is clear,
and street signs point the way.
Are you gonna stand around till 2012 A.D.?
What are you waiting for,
A certain shade of green?
I think I grew a gray watching you procrastinate.
What are you waiting for,
A certain shade of green?
Would a written invitation signed, "Choose now or lose it all," sedate your hesitation?
Or inflame and make you stall?
You've been raised in limitation, but that glove never fit quite right.
The time has come for hand-me-downs, choose anew, please evolve, take flight
What are you waiting for?
A written invitation?
A public declaration?
A private consolation?
this song lyric quite appealed to me.
+++++
how odd things can be, when in the last post right before the trip, i wish not for troubles and that's what i ended up getting.
i'm safely back from san francisco. things are much better now, i am glad to say. anaheim seems so... different.
this trip was a dichotomy. one side of my mind says that it was a complete stress-maker, the other side says that it was worth all the trouble. i can't quite seem to find a median between the two extremes. so i can either look at it in a pessimistic way, or an optimistic way. i will pick the latter.
i did have a tough time trying to enjoy myself at first, but now i see that i have been overlooking the important details that made this trip worthwhile. i was at joe's house today, watching a clip of the san fran video that was taken a couple of hours ago. everyone is smiling, bantering, laughing. light-hearted atmosphere surrounded us all and we'd failed to notice it because we were too busy complaining about the travel agent lady (whom i must say, was somewhat of a pest), or how cold it was, or how much money we'd blown off. i really had enjoyed everyday.
on sunday, things seemed to crash down and build at the same time. most people only know about the crashing and burning part, but i bet only a few, five at the most, know about the constructing and building. in fact, it's something not many people can see anyway. but i can't ignore it. you can say i've tried to, but failed. and everything is better because of this.
more tangible events were the ghirardelli square/pier 39 concerts, china town, the awesome clam chowder (in a sourdough bowl), alcatraz (amazing!), and all the shopping. i personally liked alcatraz; the tour gave me chills. i thought it was intriguing. a lot of the band members loved the shopping part. i must agree.
but like i said, the things i didn't notice while i was there are the things i wish had lasted longer now. i cherish those times. from things i can't believe i didn't do to the things i will never admit that i did do, this trip was anything but boring. and i express my complete gratitude to the one person who just knows how to make me laugh. you made this trip (and me) incredibly lively. i also thank my lil' kuya for taping the whole trip. it will be another great tape to add to my collection. another thanks goes to the person who just seemed to brighten each day of the trip. your mere presence calmed me. thank you.
lastly, i'm sorry for not having the guts to say hi. i know i should have. i wish i had. maybe i'll just never get over being a coward... 'til then.
i'm glad that you are happy. and thank you for visiting.
+++++
in about 7.5 hours, the band will be off on an airplane to san francisco. how exciting... anticipation is slowly (and finally) kicking in.
let's forget our troubles and worries...
+++++
yesterday, i got home at 9pm. today, it was at 10pm. and my other teachers wonder why my work isn't top notch. this whole "extracurricular activity" seems to have become the most important thing on my list.
it was a really great drumline rehearsal though, i must say. everyone joined to play ultimate frisbee. of course, there were the captains of the team that just totally kicked major butt, then there were the ones who gave their utmost effort, then lastly, the people who just kinda stood around and watched their teammates run around. this is the event of the day that got me thinking about -- you guessed it: teamwork.
i wonder what the world would be like if no one ever relied upon one another. no one would make dinner for you, turn off the lights in the house for you if they are left on, lock the doors for you... you'd be doing everything by yourself. you need to get there but can't drive? too bad, find another way of transportation. don't have money to buy something? sorry, can't ask mom or dad. being reliant on just one person, yourself, is quite a difficult task.
but here's the other side. when you're over-reliant, you lose autonomy and become dependent on others. you can't do anything by yourself because you literally need someone there to assist you. you can't make your own decisions or even have some kind of identity. it might even affect routine activities like eating and sleeping, in extreme cases.
so obviously, both over-reliance and sovereignty are a problem, but how about a balance of both? in aiding others, you ultimately balance out the scales, because you are compensating for all the times you've been helped. it's a give-and-take. you know, one of the rule that you learned in kindergarten.
let's relate it to the ultimate frisbee game. a team doesn't function correctly when there's at least one person who doesn't care. that one person can ruin it for everyone else on his/her team, regardless of how much his/her peers care. it's the same in any situation. marching band would run a lot smoother in high school if everyone actually gave a shit about it. same goes for any sport and/or job.
i admire great teamwork because it's difficult to achieve. if you think about it, it's a bunch of individuals that are trying to think as one mind. just the thought of it is hard enough. and to actually make that happen-- granted we are supplied outstanding leaders-- is even more commendable. it's intricate, but it's not. and it's great because you get so many inputs from so many people who don't quite think like you on certain topics. it broadens your knowledge and builds your patience.
i really enjoyed that game. and i appreciate all the effort everyone puts in to any field of study or hobby. working with other people in drumline definitely builds teamwork skills.
on a deeper note, i really appreciate the people who constantly remind me to love life. seriously, where would i be without you guys?
it's nice to have someone to rely on.
+++++
only 5 more days until the band's trip to san francisco. i'm excited; i can't wait.
this past week, it was hard for me to get to a computer because one, i was at someone else's house (in other words, no access to a computer), and two, i was busy. let's just say that drumline has become my life, that's for sure. and it will continue to be until season's over. but it's worth it. i win some, lose some. that's life, right?
speaking of, i did do some thinking on the topic of life this weekend. it seems to me that life repairs itself. as it destroys what it obtains, it only repairs by gaining something different. of course, you have to have seen the shadows to see the light, but i just thought it was interesting. it's its own detriment and remedy.
life's precious.
+++++
it was really nice to sleep and wake to the sound of waves yesterday. it's been almost one year since i've walked along the shores of the beach. it felt really refreshing to smell that salt in the air. and i felt like a kid when i started wiggling my toes in the sand. that is a great feeling. the sky was clear for the most part. the sun reflected off every ripple of the ocean, and my friend and i just walked around picking up shells and talking. it's weird what a new environment makes you do.
which brings me to a topic i've been wondering about. i haven't posted here in ten days, i can see. i don't know why, but i've not had that spark of inspiration. my poetry site is dormant at this point, although i plan to post a poem i wrote last week. still, i'm usually overflowing with things to say. it felt weird for days, because when i can't bring myself to write, it's when i need it most. so instead, i started to resume the hard-cover journal i have. i decided to skim through it just now, and i finally found that motivation to write.
it feels really empty, not having anything to write about, talk about. of course, i didn't go completely mute, but i didn't write. my hands wanted to touch these keyboards, pick up a pen. my mind wanted to scream, but i kept it contained. somehow, this confinement took its toll. i wasn't despondent or anything; i just couldn't take that initiative to start writing.
then, i started reading my past journal entries. they seem so long ago and so young. it's not like i grew older in couple of months. it's not that i'm acting all grown-up, because i'm not (and don't really want to yet). but reading them made me feel older. and that in itself is enough to boggle my mind. the topics are things like, the dream i saw last night, or a poem about some place. there was also an entry i wrote when i was obviously upset over my parents for trying to make me go back to japan (and not graduate high school in the usa), and then yet another that was titled, "fear". reading them made me realize that writing anything, whether it be jibberish for some, is never a bad thing.
some people may not realize how homey it feels to look at the computer screen again, to see my thoughts flowing to my fingers as they type. but i literally live here. i end up "taking out the trash" on this very site. so much has been in my head, and now that i've finally restarted, it won't stop. one after the other, another tpoic that i've been rambling in my head pops up, and i'm on a blank page again, writing more about some significant current event. who knows? next, i'll be writing about something random, like what part of the eye makes 50 movements per second. but then again, i should write about it (or anything else, for that matter) because one day, i'll look back at it and another set of memories will overwhelm me.
it's safe to say that i'm very content being able to write about something again. of course, that took some inspiration, like my journal, or my friends. and then, of course, there are just some things that encourage me to write, to which i will not discuss in this post. or not just yet...
+++++
you know the inevitable aftermath of any action is? it comes back to you. and since anything has two sides, something good must also contain a bad side. and there's always a contradiction within every action anyone takes. if they can't find one, they just haven't thought about it. in order to prove something, something else has to be negated. that's why it's so hard to define right and wrong; because both are valid in reason.
in an attempt to prove something right, i contradicted a fact. now that i think about it, i couldn't have proved one side without damaging the other. but for the side that i did harm, i'm sorry.
it's such a hard balance to maintain. if you take one side, you tip the other, and all that you have accumulated on the scale up to that point falls. being the mediator, the middle of the see-saw is harder than it seems. you are the center divider that keeps things in balance; at the same time, you are the verge between sanity and insanity. the problem is, sanity doesn't reside on a side; it lives in the narrow boundary between the chaos. thus, maintaining balance retains sanity, and tipping either side results in madness.
but then we have to realize that every truth plants a seed of insanity. if that statement is true, doesn't that mean truth tips the scale and provokes sanity to whirl into a spiral of disaster? but lies yield the same effect.
that is the reason why we should never mix the two sides together. as mediator, we are the only ones who can keep track of both sides.
+++++
you said that i should keep my mouth shut because i do more damage with them open than i already do closed. but i'm going to open mine so you can know the truth, the truth from me, not someone else.
if all that you said is true, fine. you can say i deserved all that or whatever. but have you ever thought about hearing all this from me? now that all this damage has been done, you probably don't give a shit about what i have to say, but at least give it a listen.
please don't judge what i'm feeling through one lousy e-mail. those weren't words from my mouth, ever. sure, you could say i'm sad and miserable, say what you want. but all i wanted was for you to be happy. i didn't care if you had found a new person, so long as you were happy. but if i'm getting laughed at over that, then i don't even know what to think anymore.
you said i'm assuming the worst; what about you? you get one e-mail from someone saying this and saying that. now you're pissed off for nothing because i never thought that. the context was, "all she ever did was love you"; it's not in first person. maybe she thinks that, but i don't. and i didn't go tell her to think that way, i didn't tell her to e-mail you in that manner. i didn't know anything about it. she heard from a friend of hers and she told me about you. her friend also told me. i'm not going around fishing for gossip. i do let them think for themselves. the e-mail for example, had nothing to do with me and how i felt about the whole thing. if you would like to know, i was bummed out at first, but not because you found someone else. and i said "i hope he's happy". why is such kind of action yielding so much hate?
i think you would also like to know about the letter you got on thanksgiving break. it's came from the same person who e-mailed you. she told me "not to read it". i didn't know the context of that letter (just like the e-mail you got couple of days ago), so i didn't know how much false statements were included in it. well, she told me later. not that it matters now, but you got fed augmented lies. i'm not going to say that everything was false, but poorly stated, that's for sure. the person who had been giving me "gossip" was your best friend, you know. everything from the drinking, drugging, blocking the screen names... that all came from your best friend. i thought your closest friends deserved to know how you were doing. what your best friend said was all i knew, so i told them. i didn't think that they'd start writing letters to you saying things i obviously didn't know about (therefore concluding that it's not what i thought).
if, even after all this explaining you couldn't care, so be it. but it hurts reading your site thinking that all that anger was aroused from one stupid e-mail that didn't convey my true feelings at all. i could have done the same on this site, get mad and post a really hurtful entry. but i'm not going to assume anything anymore. call me a coward, but i don't have the guts to do something like that. but the same coward only wanted for you to be happy.
+++++
